How to Agree to Disagree With Family Regarding Aging Parents

Caring for an aging parent can be challenging, but Comforting Home Care by Phoebe is here to help. One issue we see all too often is conflicts between family members of an aging parent. Family dynamics can be challenging at the best of times. Add in the stress and worry of caring for an aging parent or other loved one, and it's no surprise that anger, resentment, hurt feelings, and arguments often ensue. 

6 Common Causes of Conflicts Regarding Aging Parents

1. The amount or type of care needed.
Siblings may not agree on the amount or type of care an aging parent needs. A sibling who spends a lot of time with an aging parent may notice they frequently forget things or have balance issues. Another sibling who sees an aging parent occasionally may only see them on their good days and think they're doing fine. Conversely, sometimes, if you only see a parent occasionally, changes can be more pronounced.  

2. One sibling is responsible for all of the care.
It may seem natural that the sibling who lives closest, has a better relationship with the aging parent, or has more time is the natural choice to take on the care of an aging parent. But caregiving can take its toll, which can cause resentment if other siblings don't share some of the responsibility. 

3. One sibling doesn't help with the care at all.
Conversely, there may be one sibling who refuses to help at all. Perhaps they disagree that their parent needs help, don't have a good relationship with the parent, or don't realize how overwhelmed the caregiver is. Regardless of the reason, those caring for the aging parent can feel frustrated, alone, and resentful when one sibling refuses to help.

4. Exclusion from decision-making.
Being involved in making decisions helps siblings feel included and heard and allows them to see where everyone else is coming from and how and why decisions are made.

5. Aging parents who don't think they need care.
If you're aging parent insists they don't need help, it is often easier to go along with them, even when you believe it isn't what is best for them. Conflicts can occur if one sibling does this and the others don't.

6.  Finances
According to CNBC, "…finances are the number-one cause of stress (73%) — more than politics (59%), work (49%) and family (46%)." If you're dealing with an aging parent, you'll have many financial issues to address. For example, if your parents need a caregiver and can't afford a professional, who will pay for it? Should a sibling get paid for caregiving? Who should handle your parents' finances if they can no longer do so?

6 Tips to Avoid or Minimize the Impact of Conflicts Regarding Aging Parents

1. Plan ahead.
The more planning you can do when your parents are still healthy and can contribute to the decision-making process, the better. Encourage your parents to have a will and a living will, to appoint a power of attorney, and to discuss their wishes with you and your siblings. Talk to your siblings beforehand about who will be responsible for what if your parents need help. The sooner you can start the conversation and planning, the better.
 

2.  Enlist the help of a professional.
Sometimes, hearing a professional's opinion can help resolve conflicts and put all the siblings on the same page so they can work together. Talk to your parent's primary care physician about your concerns. Consider consulting with a geriatrician or having a geriatric assessment – "a multidimensional, multidisciplinary assessment designed to evaluate an older person's functional ability, physical health, cognition and mental health, and socioenvironmental circumstances." Enlisting the help of a professional from Comforting Home Care by Phoebe can also help resolve conflicts about who will care for an aging parent’s daily needs.   
 

3.  Enlist the help of a mediator.
"Elder mediation provides a forum for family decision-making," the National Care Planning Council explains. "Mediators facilitate a purposeful and directed conversation in which family members are encouraged to express their interests and concerns." Sometimes, an unbiased and emotionally detached outsider can help families resolve conflicts.

4.  Communicate.
Probably, the number one tip for resolving most conflicts is communication. Siblings should discuss their thoughts and concerns with each other. If someone thinks they're doing the brunt of the caregiving, they need to share that with the other siblings, and the sooner, the better.

5.  Try to consider everyone's point of view.
Accusing someone of being heartless isn't going to solve anything. It won't always be easy, but try to think about where your siblings are coming from, what they might be thinking, or why they're saying or acting in a certain way. Talk to them about your concerns and try to devise solutions together. 
 

6.  Do it for your parents.
Consider how your aging parent will feel if they realize their children are arguing about their care. Always remember who you are doing this for; sometimes, for your parent's sake, you must agree to disagree.
 

Flexible In-Home Care for Aging Parents

When your loved one's everyday routine grows too strenuous to tackle alone, it's time to find some family-like help you can trust. Comforting Home Care by Phoebe's hourly care is ideal for clients who need a few hours of care daily, weekly, or even monthly. If required, 24-hour home care may be a short-term or long-term solution.

Call us today at 610-625-5206 to learn more about our hourly or 24-hour care, or connect with us online.